Holding on too tight.

It’s early morning, it’s past 2 am. So this post could mean two things, either I’m extremely happy or plain sad. This time however, it’s the latter.

It’s been six months since Jacky’s passing. I know, my blogposts are flooded with posts about her. I don’t mean to explain, but so was my life, filled with Jacky, which automatically meant filled with happiness. Contrary to the usual belief, about how people value things after they are gone, I valued Jacky a lot. Even before she left us. So perhaps that’s why her sudden passing, left me feeling so powerless.

Today, I can talk about Jacky without tearing up. But, no one at home has the guts, actually…  No one has the heart to talk about her passing. They know, that’s a topic that breaks my heart over and over again. Right now too. As I type this out, I have to fight the terrible urge to cry.

Amamma celebrated her birthday today. The chaos and confusion at dinner was so typical of what happens every time a party is hosted at home. But amidst all the noise, I yearned to see Jacky. She would always stand by the weaker ones. No, not to offer support. The weaker ones who would give in to her bullying and share with her whatever they were eating. That’s what made her so special. She challenged most of the goody good qualities that dogs are supposed to have.

It’s during times like this, that I wish she was here.

Anyway, as I was thinking of Jacky and going through a few posts about pets, I couldn’t fight the urge to adopt a dog. Now, the sad part about getting another pet is that, every time I feel I’m ready, emotionally ready, my traitorous heart backs out. It’s as if my heart runs and hides in a corner. And the brain? The brain despite being the practical moron that it is, sides with the heart and… I give in.

No pet for today. No pet for tomorrow. No pet for sometime now.

I know nothing lasts forever. But, after losing Jacqueline, the probability of losing another pet shatters my heart. It doesn’t help that Jacky was family. It doesn’t help that she knew I depended on her for keeping me sane.

While I stand a risk of completely shutting off the space for a pet in my life… I’m secretly hoping that it never happens.

I only hope, that one day, when I see an animal, I will be ready to pick him/her up . Pick them and take them home without feeling as if someone stuck a sword made out of guilt in my heart.

While it could take some time, I’m hoping this sad feeling won’t last forever.

For the best way to honour a beautiful dog like Jacqueline would only be by giving another one a chance at life.

This is an unseen photo of the rad Jacqueline.

This is an unseen photo of  rad Jacqueline.

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