A word for it all.

 

L-O-S-S.

A simple four-letter word. 

A fairly easy word to spell. Something I KNOW I would never get wrong even in my first grade. 

As I tried to concentrate on the no-brainer action flick that I was watching, the voice in my head got louder. I realised I kept spelling out the word in my head. Obviously.

I hate when I do that. Sometimes, I get fixated on words that are really plain, common, boring words and I spell them out. I use them in sentences too. I usually do this when I’m alone. No one really knows that about me, until now… you’re an exception.

loss
noun
1. the fact or process of losing something or someone
 
Do you find it weird, just like I do? Does it baffle you as well?
How, a four-letter word can so easily explain the emotion that is so hard to write about. 
 
I find it unsettling. Something as painful as loss… whether it is the loss of a loved one… loss of someone who wasn’t ‘that’ loved or the loss of love itself… the feeling has a word. One word.
 
It makes me sad. I’m not really the sad kind of a person, though sometimes I do write about a lot of sad things… like a heart-break. I  I don’t know why I am explaining it to you. But that’s not really the point now, is it?
 
As I watched this particular actor struggle hard to contain his emotions, he had to face the loss of his teacher, I know he was “just acting”, but it got me thinking about all the times I lost my precious someone or something.
 
I think about the time, when I knew… I just knew that my “first serious relationship” wasn’t serious anymore. It didn’t happen all at once and that’s the thing about loss. One minute you’re happy the next thing you know… you dread Sunday afternoons. Especially the time when everyone is taking their afternoon siesta and you’re left all alone trying to gather whatever strength you have and not wallow in that ridiculous word… self-pity. 
 
I hate that about loss. It makes me lose my sense of balance.
 
Sometimes, I look back at old photos and I don’t know exactly how I feel about things anymore. 
 
Would Jacqueline have waited and wagged her tail every time she heard me park my car? Would she bark impatiently, if I would take an extra minute or two to get home? Would she be excited on going for more drives… now that I can drive on my own? 
 
Would that one person, I was extremely-crazy about still look at me the way he did back then? I’ve grown up to be quite an arrogant prude… would he still “love” me for becoming so different?
 
Would I be this different myself? Having learnt what loss took away from me; Only to later painfully realise what it left behind, when I was busy mourning? 
 
I really don’t know.
 
Loss changes you. It takes with it a part of who you are. It breaks your heart, makes you sad and makes you hate Sunday afternoons.
 
It makes you not want to listen to a particular song. Because, when you do, it takes you back to a particular day and despite the years that have come by… you know it still has the power to  make you feel powerless… just like you did back then.
 
When people leave, they also leave a gaping hole in your life. Something that they once fit into perfectly, like that last piece of a puzzle.
 
You might find new loves, new pets and other new things. But, the hole remains. And that’s the beauty of it all.
 
For you know what?
 
We can only make new words to name what we’re feeling.
 
And that’s where it stops.
 
 
 

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