Three decades

Dear you,

Growing older is not a choice, growing up is. What will happen to you? I don’t even know why you’re asking me this.

You’re 29 right now, next year you will be 30. Yes, that’s how math works. You will grow older. That’s all I have to say.

You’re wondering where life will take you, so let me ease your anxious mind, you will move to another country not very far.

Distances between people will increase drastically, you will still love them with everything you have, but really the next year is not going to be about anyone else but you.

You will learn that you hate living alone, that big cities with twinkling lights and bright skylines are beautiful to look at, but they will fail to light up the darkness inside.

Everything will feel fleeting, happiness, strength and even love. But everything will fall into place, if not the next year then the year after that.

You will never believe this, but YOU will jump into the middle of an ocean. You will panic even when you realise that you’re wearing a life jacket and that you can’t sink. And then you’ll realise that in life, you can have all the life jackets you want, but if you’re still struggling no one can help you.

Those are lessons that you can only learn when you dive into the deep. You’ll also learn that some jelly fish don’t sting like the bad jellyfish, but they still sting and that will hurt.

You will go house-hunting and will lose the will to live on some days. Some days you’ll come home and bawl because you can’t handle the loneliness, but like everything else, you will.

And just when summer leaves and the cool wind starts to caress your face, on one unsuspecting October evening, the roof in your kitchen will rain.

In other words, the geyser will burst open and will pour down on you like a storm. At least the water will be warm.

You will be so flustered about things that happen that you will forget to give yourself credit.

You will forget that people will come and go, but the only person who will remain with you is (for good or for worse) you.

I wish I could say everything will be a smooth sailing, but it really won’t. I can warn you all I want, but you will still play beer pong with vodka and that will not end well.

But you will learn to put furniture together, so that’s a good thing I guess.

Learning and accepting your flaws will be difficult, but if you ever want to grow you must learn to see where you’re going wrong.

And when you go through the darkest of times in life, when everything and everyone seems to leave you, you should know this,

I would never have done all of this with anyone but you.

So chin up,

Wipe your tears,

Pat yourself on the back,

Bake your cake and eat it too.

And remember this,

I’ve got you babe.

(Belated) Happy Birthday,

Love,

Your older self.

As you were.

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