Already done.

 

The trees are all bent,
The wind is howling over,
The storm is yet to come,
But the damage is already done.

I offer you peace but you give me conflict,
I bleed my heart out, but yours is running dry,
The battle cry hasn’t been given yet,
But your guard is already up.

The soldiers are ready,
The Cavalry is on guard,
The war hasn’t started yet,
But the bloodshed is already done.

Darling, I never meant to start a war.
But now I’m going to end it.

Saviour.

giphy (1)

 I have been fighting long and hard to keep your memories away.

I’ve built huge walls to protect the fort that guards my heart.
Dug a moat so deep that hell has begun to leak out.

But you always find a way to sneak in.
Through tiny cracks and sometimes massive gaps.

Everything outside the fort is on fire,
Everything inside is freezing over.

I keep hoping you’ll come save me,
Knowing very well that only I can save myself.

Living dead

We don’t just bury the dead.

Sometimes those alive are laid to rest too,

In ways that we never thought we would.

Some days we bury their thoughts,

Unbearably beautiful, warm hands that kept yours safe.

Other days we bury their photos,

Unable, unwilling to delete them.

On others we dig deep holes and drop their words,

Their love and smile always follows.

Some days we bury our lives spent together,

But on most days, we quietly bury ourselves.

Bright dark days

One day the sun came up.

I truly never believed it would.

But it did.

The cloud of darkness still existed inside of me,

Thundering and lighting up with hurt and sadness,

Though one would argue it was the latter that took precedence.

But I knew that one day it wouldn’t feel like this.

So I stepped out to take in some sun,

As the storm continued to rage inside.

Longing

The anticipation to finally see you is killing me.

Months have gone by since I last met you. I bite my nails in anticipation, close my eyes and try to imagine your laughter, your eyes crinkling, your adorable nose and you. All of those video calls, could never do justice to any of this.

I make a list of thousand things that we’ll do when we meet.

Perhaps we’ll start with a hug, a kiss on your cheek  or both. Definitely both.

Then I think about all those nasty airplane germs that you might have brought back with you. Maybe we should just smile at each other, no?

No.

I’ve longed for this moment, I’ve  longed for you.
I know you’ll walk out any second now,
Please tell me you have too.

Three decades

Dear you,

Growing older is not a choice, growing up is. What will happen to you? I don’t even know why you’re asking me this.

You’re 29 right now, next year you will be 30. Yes, that’s how math works. You will grow older. That’s all I have to say.

You’re wondering where life will take you, so let me ease your anxious mind, you will move to another country not very far.

Distances between people will increase drastically, you will still love them with everything you have, but really the next year is not going to be about anyone else but you.

You will learn that you hate living alone, that big cities with twinkling lights and bright skylines are beautiful to look at, but they will fail to light up the darkness inside.

Everything will feel fleeting, happiness, strength and even love. But everything will fall into place, if not the next year then the year after that.

You will never believe this, but YOU will jump into the middle of an ocean. You will panic even when you realise that you’re wearing a life jacket and that you can’t sink. And then you’ll realise that in life, you can have all the life jackets you want, but if you’re still struggling no one can help you.

Those are lessons that you can only learn when you dive into the deep. You’ll also learn that some jelly fish don’t sting like the bad jellyfish, but they still sting and that will hurt.

You will go house-hunting and will lose the will to live on some days. Some days you’ll come home and bawl because you can’t handle the loneliness, but like everything else, you will.

And just when summer leaves and the cool wind starts to caress your face, on one unsuspecting October evening, the roof in your kitchen will rain.

In other words, the geyser will burst open and will pour down on you like a storm. At least the water will be warm.

You will be so flustered about things that happen that you will forget to give yourself credit.

You will forget that people will come and go, but the only person who will remain with you is (for good or for worse) you.

I wish I could say everything will be a smooth sailing, but it really won’t. I can warn you all I want, but you will still play beer pong with vodka and that will not end well.

But you will learn to put furniture together, so that’s a good thing I guess.

Learning and accepting your flaws will be difficult, but if you ever want to grow you must learn to see where you’re going wrong.

And when you go through the darkest of times in life, when everything and everyone seems to leave you, you should know this,

I would never have done all of this with anyone but you.

So chin up,

Wipe your tears,

Pat yourself on the back,

Bake your cake and eat it too.

And remember this,

I’ve got you babe.

(Belated) Happy Birthday,

Love,

Your older self.

As you were.

Walking on sunshine

Dear You,

I don’t know how you’re doing right now, but I hope life is treating you well.

It’s a new year, which means we all have another 365 days to come up with new ways to ruin our lives.

This year was particularly challenging for me, since I moved away from home. Some moments were great and some were miserable, like that one time I managed to get bathroom cleaner in my eye and convinced myself that life with one eye wouldn’t be that bad.

However, despite all the ‘firsts’ and ‘lasts’, one of my most special memories was during a hot summer evening at the vegetable aisle in a grocery store.

I’ve always struggled with opening plastic bags, the kind that holds vegetables. There have been many such occasions, but this day was particularly difficult. My day hadn’t been that great, and when the bag refused to open I was two seconds away from bawling. Until one kind stranger stepped in and opened a bag for me.

It might seem like an insignificant thing, but it is one of the most precious memories that I choose to carry with me into 2019. There were so many people that day, but no one stopped to help except for him and for that I’m very grateful.

I know life can get very, very bad at times and I really hope that you find all the strength to go through it. But I also want you to remember that it’s when things are at their worst that kindness will make its way to you.

So be kind and good.
And if you ever get the chance, open a bag for someone.
Have a fabulous year.

As you were.