In Mourning.

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Today I mourn,
All the things that I lost.
Things that never belonged to me in the first place.
I’ll list it in no particular order,
So here it goes.

Love.
Dreams.
Happiness.
And laughter.

Children.
Peace.
Joy.
And a happily ever-after.

Of all the things I lost and
The ones that left me feeling like a ghost,
You come a close second.
But if I’m being honest, I miss myself the most.

Saviour.

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 I have been fighting long and hard to keep your memories away.

I’ve built huge walls to protect the fort that guards my heart.
Dug a moat so deep that hell has begun to leak out.

But you always find a way to sneak in.
Through tiny cracks and sometimes massive gaps.

Everything outside the fort is on fire,
Everything inside is freezing over.

I keep hoping you’ll come save me,
Knowing very well that only I can save myself.

Dream State.

In my dreams
And they don’t lie, darling
We exist together
Not as a you and an I
But as an us.

I reach out and I can feel you by my side
Sleeping soundly
Without a care in the world
Without an idea of
How much you mean to me.

In my dreams, darling
We always find our way back
To each other
Through distances and spaces
To warmth and love.

In my dreams, darling
You’re still there when I wake up
So I memorise your smile
And I hug you tighter
But only in my dreams.

Beginning of the end.

Dear You,

I think it’s time to go.

I leave behind memories and love, but I hope I have taken away all the sadness.

Don’t let the pain blind you, don’t let it change you. Let it gently lead you to the path you were always meant to walk.

I have loved you from a distance, I have loved you from close. And now I must learn to love you from wherever I am going. Or perhaps, not love you at all.

Dear You,

It’s time to go.

Living dead

We don’t just bury the dead.

Sometimes those alive are laid to rest too,

In ways that we never thought we would.

Some days we bury their thoughts,

Unbearably beautiful, warm hands that kept yours safe.

Other days we bury their photos,

Unable, unwilling to delete them.

On others we dig deep holes and drop their words,

Their love and smile always follows.

Some days we bury our lives spent together,

But on most days, we quietly bury ourselves.

What would I tell you?

I sometimes wonder what I would tell you if I met you when you were younger.

Would I hold your hand right at that moment when your heart was going to break, or would I stop you from doing the things that would lead to a lifetime of pain?

On that note, you should perhaps remember that there really is no “lifetime of pain”. I just said it for dramatic effect.

Sometimes there are several flashes of pain, during other days the suffering is prolonged and feels never-ending, but it will.

I wouldn’t say that happiness is fleeting like a butterfly. Instead it’s like a wave, strong on a few days, on others it’s but a ripple. And even though it will recede, remember it always comes back.

So maybe take both with a pinch of salt? Let them shape you, but don’t let them change who you are.

You should however pay attention to the small pockets of peace when life traps you in a flooding cave of emotions. They will keep you alive.

And remember, life is beautiful but can be chaotic, so sometimes you’ll need people to help you stay afloat, hold on to them for dear life. They can be friends, family and a stranger in the airport who offers you water when you’re crying.

But on most days it will just be you.

Walking on sunshine

Dear You,

I don’t know how you’re doing right now, but I hope life is treating you well.

It’s a new year, which means we all have another 365 days to come up with new ways to ruin our lives.

This year was particularly challenging for me, since I moved away from home. Some moments were great and some were miserable, like that one time I managed to get bathroom cleaner in my eye and convinced myself that life with one eye wouldn’t be that bad.

However, despite all the ‘firsts’ and ‘lasts’, one of my most special memories was during a hot summer evening at the vegetable aisle in a grocery store.

I’ve always struggled with opening plastic bags, the kind that holds vegetables. There have been many such occasions, but this day was particularly difficult. My day hadn’t been that great, and when the bag refused to open I was two seconds away from bawling. Until one kind stranger stepped in and opened a bag for me.

It might seem like an insignificant thing, but it is one of the most precious memories that I choose to carry with me into 2019. There were so many people that day, but no one stopped to help except for him and for that I’m very grateful.

I know life can get very, very bad at times and I really hope that you find all the strength to go through it. But I also want you to remember that it’s when things are at their worst that kindness will make its way to you.

So be kind and good.
And if you ever get the chance, open a bag for someone.
Have a fabulous year.

As you were.  

29 is just a number.

Dear You,

You’re currently packing your bags for that holiday in Pondicherry, so it’s rather endearing that you’re unaware about how next year this time, you’ll be in Muscat.

The year will be a whirlwind of good and bad – yes, yes like any other year. However this year will be about new things, like living alone. It’ll be about falling in love again, with new places and people and realising how awful and wonderful life can be. You’ll go through some terrifying moments and you’ll make it, but you’ll have to hold on tight.

You will find yourself lonely on some days, but you will also find out that the greatest lessons in life are learnt alone.

On some days you’ll bawl like a baby, but you’ll realise that sometimes there will be no one to soothe your fears. That’s all right, because you’ll learn that you can be your greatest friend.

You will not need a knight in shining armour, mainly because you are one. But on some days, you will graciously accept help from one who is armed with a plunger.

You are crazy, so when you find someone who is wholly accepting of you (despite all your flaws), hold on to them. Remember, it’s a privilege to be loved for who you are, don’t pass that up because of what someone else thinks.

Learn to love your family and friends. They can (and will be) annoying, but life can be incredibly tasteless without them.

Accept help when you can,

Stand your ground when you’re right,

Speak up for women and DO NOT let silence be your weapon,

Say please and thank you and always remember,

The best gift you can give yourself is

Love.

Happy birthday.

Ever yours,
P

New Girl goes to Muscat

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I really believed that I would never be the new girl again. Not in an office or in anyone’s life. Yes I had decided to remain single and jobless for the rest of my life, but life, apparently, had other plans.
While I spent the last nine months whiling away my life, I barely had any worries. Well, other than that one totally-justifiable fear of a dumbbell falling and crushing me instantly. Yes, tragic indeed. So as I went through life, travelling, eating and upping my stalking skills, little did I know that  my days of joblessness were sadly numbered.
Before I knew it, 28 years of my life were neatly folded, packed and stuffed in three suitcases and one bag. All threatening to burst out, thankfully not doing so. Some tears, a failed attempt at running back home and three hours later I was in a new city, in a new country.
Far, far away from home.
It’s just been a week since I moved here and I’ve realised that life has been crazy, but also exceptionally kind to me in so many ways. But on a few quiet evenings, when the sun is getting ready to set, I think of home. I miss every small annoying detail and I wonder, if three suitcases and one bag are all that I have to show for 28 years of existing. But then I remember that I did leave a dozen other clothes at home, so there obviously is more.
On other days I’m busy practising how to behave like an adult, how to socialise with people and smile, even though I’m panicking six ways to Sunday (or Friday, because #Muscat).
Through all of these ups and downs, I realised that I’m capable of so much more and that I can be anything I want to…
But for now (and for the unforeseeable future)
I am the New Girl.