Coming home.

Dear You,

I have been driving endlessly, through valleys that are deeper than the highest mountains I have climbed. Through sunrises and sunsets, some lasting longer than the other.

Sleep is now a distant friend, so I carry on my journey alone. Often, I reach out my hand to hold yours, only to be reminded of your absence.

Voids the size of the Milky Way stare back at me.
So I wonder, how an empty heart can feel so heavy.

I thought I was running away from the mess I created. Driving away from you and your thoughts. But they’re all staring at me from the backseat.

Gently reminding me of the pain that has attached itself to me.

I want to come back home,
I want to come back to you.

But I am lost.
And I don’t think these roads can ever lead me back.

Dream State.

In my dreams
And they don’t lie, darling
We exist together
Not as a you and an I
But as an us.

I reach out and I can feel you by my side
Sleeping soundly
Without a care in the world
Without an idea of
How much you mean to me.

In my dreams, darling
We always find our way back
To each other
Through distances and spaces
To warmth and love.

In my dreams, darling
You’re still there when I wake up
So I memorise your smile
And I hug you tighter
But only in my dreams.

Since you’ve been gone

Jeithepeterpan.tumblr

Dear You,

I’m beginning to wonder if you’re even reading this. Are my words reaching you? Are they providing you any solace at all?

How was your day? I ask far too many questions but I’m not nosy, I’m just wondering how you are.

I hope you get enough sleep these days. Tell me, has winter reached your doorstep yet?

I wonder if I should even post this letter. Or do I let it get lost in this huge world where unrequited love lives in every corner?

I’ve been thinking about you.

I close my eyes and remember your smile. The way your hand felt in mine – warm and soft. The way my heart slowed down as you held me close in your sleep, even when you snored heavily in my ears.

I have never felt yearning as I have since you’ve been gone. I have tasted it in the long evenings, as the sun slowly set.

I have felt it during a lonely lunch, surrounded by beautiful friends; On the way back home, in the elevator and in my room. I have crossed the road with it, as it held on to my dress, scared it would be left behind.

And then, on some days it feels like I’m drowning, on others I barely make it to the surface.

So if you ever get this letter, know that I miss you more than I can ever explain. Know that you’ve left a hole so big in my life that all the cold is beginning to seep in.

There’s so much more I’d like to ask you, darling,

But I’ll only end with this,

Won’t you come back home, please?

Search

I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Light at your darkest hour and strength at your weakest.

But more than anything ever, I hope that when you’re lost,

When you can’t seem to make sense of life as you tumble along the path you’re on,

You find that the most important thing ever was always you.

Yearning.


Dear You,

If you’re reading this, miles and miles away from me,

Know that I love you.

Know that I carry you safe in my heart, away from prying eyes.

If you’re reading this, miles and miles away from me,

Know that I miss you.

Know that I don’t pray, but if I ever had to, I’d only pray for you.

I woke up like this

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It’s morning and the sun is rising slowly, at its own pace.
But that annoying myna is back in the balcony, cheerfully calling out to God-knows-who.

I wake up with this insane need to see you. The feeling, similar to my body’s aching need for caffeine. It’s quiet at home, the cool morning summer breeze sneaks in through the opening underneath the door and I rush for cover.

I want to tell you the things that I feel about you, but I chicken out like always. So I’m whispering it into this abyss. Into this space where words are either lost forever or remain etched for eternity.

Life, currently, seems more smeared with fingerprints than my spectacles. But you seem to know just how to make things clear and better, I dare say.

It’s strange to know that someone looks at all this madness and is crazy enough to say, “Well it looks like a lot of work. But do I want to go on this journey that might or might (definitely will) not plunge me into greater depths of craziness? Well, yes I do.”

Sometimes I wonder if all of this is a dream, what if this is my brain playing a ruthless prank on me….
And then, I suddenly realise this is real because,
That annoying myna is back in the balcony.

What’s in a name?


I always made up new names for you. When you’d shrug and roll your eyes in annoyance (and I’d like to think you were faking it), I’d ask you, “really, what’s in a name? You, by any other name would still be as adorable”. You’d roll your eyes again.

Now, when I spot your name on hoardings, in magazines or as the name of the most absurd character on television, it floods my heart with sadness.

Your name. I say it out aloud sometimes, just to remember how it felt.
Your name. A seemingly ordinary one, something I wouldn’t have ever taken notice of before. 
But now, every time someone says it out aloud I turn to look for you. Hoping to find your familiar eyes that once made me smile endlessly.

What’s in a name, you ask?
Everything and then suddenly,
Nothing at all.